C'est la Mort
by VulcansInSweaters
Summary: What if Bones died, trying to disarm that torpedo? Tw suicide and major character death


_"Swan dive down, eleven stories high,_

_Hold your breath, until you see the light,_

_You can sink to the bottom of the sea,_

_Just don't go without me."_

Jim held his breath and stared at the screen, too shocked to cry or scream. What had he done? He put Bones in the line of fire. Fucking _Bones_. He promised himself he would do anything to keep Bones safe no matter what, but now...

Jim slowly moved back to sit in the captain's chair. He felt tears welling in his eyes but he blinked and forced them to go away. He went back to his crew, ordered them to put someone, anyone really, to open that pod and find out what was in it. Then, he went to his quarters.

* * *

_"Go get lost, where no one can be found,_

_Drink so long and deep until you drown,_

_Say your goodbyes but darlin' if you please,_

_Don't go without me."_

As soon as the doors to the captain's quarters closed, tears started to well in his eyes again, and this time he didn't try to stop them. Salty tears flowed down his cheeks, dripping down his chin. He sobbed. He screamed and didn't even care if his crew could hear him. Captain James Tiberius Kirk was having a breakdown.

After what seemed like forever, Jim was sitting on the floor against his bed, face pressed against his knees, with his cheeks still soaking wet from crying. He stared at the drawer beside him and whimpered. The second compartment. Jim slowly reached into it and pulled a small black box out.

He opened the box and stared at the ring inside it. The ring that he was supposed to propose to Bones with after the situation with Khan was over. It was taunting him. Taunting him of the perfect life he could've had if he hadn't risked Bones life. 'We could become space husbands' he had stupidly thought at the time. Hah. He laughed bitterly. Whether it was directed at the ring, or himself, he didn't know.

He stared at the ring again, and saw his reflection in it. He looked awful. He looked like a man who had just lost someone he loved, in which case, he had. His hair was all ruffled up. It reminded him of the way Bones liked to playfully ruffle his hair when they were alone. Did everything remind him of Bones now?

His eyes were red and swollen from crying. That reminded him of that night. The night in his and Bones' dorm. The night they confessed everything to each other. From wanting to get in each other's pants to wanting something more. Jim's eyes were red and swollen from crying too, that night, but those were tears of happiness. This was the complete opposite. These were the tears of a devastated man who would've given anything just to have his lover back.

But, he was too late. Bones wouldn't be coming back now, no matter what. And it was all because of him. He hated himself for it.

Jim reached into the second compartment of the drawer again. His fingers wrap around another black object and pulls it out. He stares at the gun. If he were to do it now, wouldn't that be selfish? He would be leaving his crew without a captain. He would be leaving them at the mercy of whatever is in those pods. He would be abandoning them.

But he couldn't be the captain anymore. He just couldn't. Not without his doctor. He smiled bitterly at his weakness. Brave, strong, reckless Jim Kirk would be rendered useless if you take away the love of his life. His fingers tightened around the handle of the gun. He had to do this. He couldn't deal with the pain of losing Bones. If he didn't, he might as well have because he would've been as useful to his crew as he would be if he was dead.

_"C'est la vie,"_

Jim held up the gun to the side of his head and put his finger on the trigger. Somehow, he felt like this was the right thing to do. It had to be, right? He'd be with Bones again. That had to be right, didn't it? It didn't matter to Jim anymore. All that mattered to him was Bones and nothing else.

_"C'est la mort."_

Jim closed his eyes. He felt calm and peaceful. 'Well, this is it' he thought to himself. The thought of being able to meet Bones again thrilled him.

He said a silent prayer and squeezed the trigger.


End file.
